Bastard Ex 7
by Dream Kitten
Summary: For lollixlolli: On a boring day with nothing to do, the girls at Seventh Heaven get mail. "Eeeeek, it's moving! Kill it Tifa!"


**Author's note: A request from lollixlolli. I didn't want to take forever to get this done so I pulled an all-nighter to do this and get some of my other work done. My 'boss' may be a great person, but she is a slave driver of a boss.  
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It was one of those days.

You know, the days when the beginning is calm, almost boring. But then something unexpected happens, and the entire thing turns up side down.

Yup, it was one of those days.

It was a bit too early for customers, but none the less the bar opened at it's usual time. Tifa was drying freshly washed glasses and thinking about Cloud with a wishful look on her face. She wished the blond was at home more often, but she couldn't do much about it. Besides, the longer he was away, the better the evenings were.

Aerith was finishing mopping the floor, humming a little tune as she did so. The fans on the celing were keeping the temperature pleasantly cool and except for Aerith's humming with a few occasionaly exchanged words between the girls it was quiet.

So quiet in fact, that they were beginning to wonder what was going to go wrong.

"Hey girls!" Was all the warning they go before a dishiveled but obviously estatic Yuffie burst through the front door. As soon as Aerith saw her she gasped and Yuffie soon found a tip of the mop an inch from her nose.

"Take off those muddy shoes RIGHT NOW! I just mopped the floor!" Yuffie obeyed and quickly sat down on the entrance step to untie her boots. When she was done, Aerith lowered the mop with a satisfied smile. Yuffie snapped her fingers, suddenly remembering something.

"Oh, right! Look what I found in the mail!" She snatched an envelope from her pocket and shook it around to show it to her friends.

What she didn't expect were muffled screams coming from the envelope.

"Eeeeek! It's alive!" Yuffie quickly dropped the envelope in fright before stomping one foot on it with the speed of Cloud's motorbike. After what was probably a few hundred stomps she stopped and all three girls were straining their necks to see what it was all about.

Something twitched inside the envelope.

"Eeeeeeekkk! Maybe I didn't hit it hard enough!" Yuffie exclaimed and then started juming on it with all her weight. Gaia only knows how many times she jumped on it before Aerith stopped her and pushed her away gently with a calm expression on her face. Then she suddenly turned determined and gripped the mop at the end. With a decidedly evil smile she started hammering the envelope with the mop so hard the entire bar shook with her swings. It shook so much Tifa actually had to dive for glasses that started falling with the power of Aerith's hits. A mini-earthquake later Aerith was panting with exhaustion but smirking.

"If that *pant* didn't kill it, *huff* I don't know what will." Aerith grinned in triumph.

But then her eye twitched along with something in the envelope.

"Stand back please." Tifa came walking from behind the bar, already pulling on her gloves. She cracked her knuckles as she glared at the soggy envelope Aerith's mop left on the floor.

"RAAAAAH!" With one mightly punch, Tifa hit the envelope and the creature in it right through the floorboards.

"Alright! Kill it Tifa!" Yuffie cheered her on and even Aerith clapped her hands at the show. Tifa withdrew her hand from the hole in the floor and all three girls put their heads together to see what was on the bottom of the hole. The envelope was half torn, and they could see what looked like a piece of paper sticking out of it.

"I dare you to pull it out." Yuffie looked at Aerith challenginly, while the flower girl bit her lip. None the less, she carefully reached for the envelope under the watchful gazes of her two friends. Once her fingers brushed over the damp paper she slowly withdrew her hand, holding the ripped corner of the envelope with her thumb and forefinger, looking like she wanted to fling it into the trash to get rid of it.

She carefully placed the envelope on the undamaged part of the floor and the three girls kneeled around it in a circle. When nothing moved Tifa somehow managed to pull out the paper from it, but when she opened what looked like a letter she frowned.

"It's pretty soggy, the water washed out most of the letters. _To… _Someone, probably us. Hmm, I can't make out much except… _ex… jerk… torture… fun… _Is this _feet_? Maybe? Hey, this sentence is almost full! _…whatever you want. _There's something else. _Na_- Name? _Debbie… Downer_? Hmm…" Tifa muttered as she tried to decypher the letter with the two other girls peering over her shoulder. But then Yuffie noticed a little bump on the envelope and, curious to see what was the creature that they hopefully killed, tore open the paper to see what was inside.

"Hey look! An action figure!" Yuffie squealed excitedly as she picked it up but when she held it up by it's leg she frowned.

"Bah, whoever made this has really poor taste." She made a sound of disgust as she took a better look at it. What she figured was a plastic figurine was of a puny, boring looking guy. If she squinted her eyes she could see a pair of thick but askew glasses and braces. Who the Hell put braces on an inch high toy was beyond her but then she noticed how bendy it was.

"Squeee! Look, it's made of rubber." She showed it to her two friends who were still trying to read the letter by bending it at an almost impossible angle. What she didn't expect was for the figure to squeal. All three girls froze but Yuffie recovered first.

"Eeeeek! It's still alive!" She shrieked and swung it into a far wall. The creature they thought dead hit the wall with a sound *SPLAT* and then fell on the floor. The girls stared at it for nearly five minutes before it started to slowly get up.

"Ugh, where am I?" It spoke and it looked around. When it saw the frozen girls looking at it, it frowned and stood up.

"What are _you_ looking at?" He asked rudely and crossed it's skinny arms. Tifa frowned at it and with a few long strides came to stand in front of it. Whatever the tiny creature was, it didn't look nearly as arrogant with a giantess now standing in front of it. Suddenly Tifa bent down to pick it up. It tried to make a run for it but she still snatched it up and held it up for inspection.

"What is it?" Yuffie came to stand beside Tifa, looking at the tiny creature but not daring to touch it.

"It looks slightly like a human!" Aerith gasped.

"No way, it must be a monster! A _very_ low level one, but there is no way that thing is human! A Mini can't be cast _THAT _many times!" Yuffie argued back.

"Hmm, you're right…"

"Hey, I'm not a monster! My name is Collins!" The little creature screamed and Tifa almost dropped it again.

"It can talk!?" Yuffie gasped.

"Of course I can, stinky feet girl!" The thing yelled back. The ninja huffed, offended and her cheeks reddened in anger. Still glaring at the figure Tifa was holding up she took off one of her long black stockings and held it like a bag below the tiny monster. Tifa realized what she wanted and smirked before letting go of the creature.

"Hey, what are you- AAAAAHH!" The creature, Collins apparently, screamed as it was dropped into the sock drenched with sweat. For a good measure Yuffie tied it at the end so Collins was trapped inside. Then she held the sock with both of her hands and swung it around in a circle like a hammerthrow before letting go of it. The sock flew through the air followed by a scream as it hit the wall with a sound *SPLAT* again. This time, nothing moved.

"Did we FINALLY kill it?" Tifa asked as she came to stand next to the sock and nudged it with her steel toed boot.

"I dunno. Let's open it!" Yuffie said excitedly as she untied the sock open and let the creature tumble out of it. The thing fell back on the floor and wheezed as it tried to stand up.

"That was disgusting! You are sick!" The thing yelled at the ninja princess. Yuffie got angry again and crushed it with the heel of her bare foot.

"How about now?" She asked sarcastically, but before they could hear the thing's squeals Tifa heard somebody come in and turned to greet the customer.

"Welcome to the Seventh Heaven, can get you anything?" She asked politely, smiling.

"A plate of spagetti. And you as a side order." A short, fat, piggish man leered at her with crooked teeth. Still smiling, but inwardly wanting to gag, Tifa nodded and left for the kitchen. Yuffie and Aerith followed her, the creature once again trapped in Yuffie's sock. As Tifa was making spagetti, Yuffie and Aerith were trying to figure out how to get rid of the monster flea.

Just as Tifa was about to give the man his spagetti Yuffie stopped her and gave a wicked grin.

"Gimmie that plate for a sec, it lacks one final ingredient before it could be deemed fit for out 'dear' customer." Yuffie said in a mock royal voice as she took the plate from Tifa. Making sure the pig of a guy wasn't looking, she overturned the sock and let the little creature she had inside tumble onto the plate. Before it managed to escape she quickly tangled it in the spagetti and made sure it was covered in sauce. Then she held the plate to Tifa, who was trying to hold in her giggles.

"_Now _I deem it propper for out guest." Yuffie said in the mock royal voice again. Aerith couldn't hold it anymore and she started laughing, but muffled it with her hand. It wouldn't do for their guest to find out just what they put in his food.

Tifa walked to the man, barely able to keep from laughing and placed the dish in front of the man, making sure to mention that she added a 'special ingredient' to make it perfect. Both Aerith and Yuffie were nearly dying trying to surpress their laughter.

And sre enough, the greedy man gobbled it all up not even noticing that one of his bites was moving more than it should. He got up and left a handsome tip on the table before turning to Tifa.

"It was simply delicious, my dear. You are really good at it. Tell me, what was that secret ingredient you mentioned?"

It took all of Tifa's willpower not to laugh like a madwoman when he asked. "I'm sorry, I can't tell you. It _is_ a secret."

The man seemed to accept that and waddled out of the Seventh Heaven with a leer still on his face. Once they were sure he was out of earshot all three of the girls fell on the floor laughing so hard they thought they would burst their spleens. After they calmed down somewhat, Aerith smirked.

"I pity that guy when he goes to the bathroom the next time."

The laughing started anew.

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AN: I hope you like!


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